Feeding into the corporate monster

December 4, 2010

Well, somehow I missed the month of November. There were a few contributing factors that led to this delayed blog entry, including but not limited to; Natalie’s 1st Birthday, my new computer at work, and the never ending cold that was passed around the house for the greater part of the month. But now, I can say that we are all healthy, and I am able to start writing during my morning break at work. This new computer is pretty nice compared to the turtle slow laptop that I was using before.

Anyway, this blog is a logged complaint that has been building for the last month. It all started with Natalie’s birthday. A simple affair with close friends and family, originally intended to be inexpensive and easy. Jakki and I decided to hold a Dutch lunch at a local restaurant because our house is fairly small and not able to hold a party of more than 6 people (not to mention kids). So we did our research and decided on one of our favorite Italian restaurants. There was no room fee, and they were very accommodating, so the location worked out well. Jakki brought special cupcakes, and we were planning on a couple of balloons. Then it happened. In one fell swoop, everything, and I mean everything turned into a Dora fest.

If you don’t know who Dora is, then you are probably not in close proximity to a toddler or child under the age of 5. Dora the Explorer is a loud and obnoxious Hispanic girl that has a big heart. She travels with her monkey to help people in need and while she does it she collects stars and avoids obstacles. It is a great show for little ones as the music is catchy, they focus on bilingual education, and there is a lot of repetition. Don’t get me wrong, I think Dora is way better than some of the previous obnoxious television characters for kids. So based on that premise, Dora is ok.

However, Natalie is now 12 months old. Natalie likes the Dora songs, and recognizes her and smiles. Natalie recognizes many things and smiles though, she is 12 months old, new stuff to look at is fun. But her grandma thinks that Natalie LOVES Dora. This has led to a flood of Dora in our house. Starting with her birthday, at least six Dora balloons, Dora napkins, Dora plates, Dora party favors, Dora table covers. Grandma spent at least $100 on Dora stuff. Mind you, the restaurant had napkins, plates, and table covers, so many of these things are now in the house.

I didn’t say anything at the time because: a. I was more focused on Natalie, and I didn’t care if grandma was spending the money on our girl, and b. parties are supposed to have themes, so why not? It seemed reasonable. However, the Dora explosion has not stopped. Grandma has kindly bought a Dora pillow, Dora dolls, Dora books (one that plays music, which is really cool), and she comes over daily (yes DAILY) with something Dora for Natalie. This is two weeks running. There are Dora pajamas with her body painted all over the front, there are sweaters, and shirts, and Dora plates and cups, and washcloths, and Christmas ornaments. I think you may now get the picture. Our living room has more Dora faces than anything in comparison.

Now on to the issue; last night grandma came over once again with more Dora clothes. As I was catching up with my Fantasy Hockey league, I look up as she holds up a sweater and asks, “Isn’t this cute?” It wasn’t. It was a god awful ugly pink sweater with “Dora the Explorer” written all over it (literally all over it) in a color of diagonal rainbow Arial text with a picture of Dora on the front. I think it is horrible. But I instinctively (and without really thinking about it) said “not really”. I didn’t say anything worse, I just continued to play on my laptop.

So guess who is now the ungrateful husband/father. I mean really, REALLY? Jakki’s parents come over every day to see Natalie. EVERY DAY. Imagine seeing your parents EVERY DAY. Now add on the fact that they are your landlord, and you have cheap rent. Sweat equity and a few hundred dollars every month makes life easier than most, and as a result Jakki can stay at home with Natalie which is a blessing. It is a blessing. But this additional cost is taxing. The daily visit is typically manageable, however Jakki and I have to schedule every evening around it. Now grandma is dropping a hundred a week on Dora merchandise for Natalie and expecting a round of applause for it every night. Or, at least, our general approval (smiles and happiness). And if I happen to think it is CRAZY, I am ungrateful.

Let’s get to that hundred a week (that is a fair guess). I wouldn’t mind so much except for the fact that grandma likes to give Jakki stress about how broke they are and that they can’t afford to do things like buy hay for the horses, or fix the fencing. I can think of a lot of things to do with that money around the property. Even an additional hundred a month for Natalie’s college fund (or Jakki’s for that matter) would be awesome. But Dora makes Natalie happy!

Let’s get back to Dora. Jakki said to me, (paraphrasing) “This is just the beginning. Natalie will attach to many things as she grows up and we will have to deal with it.” If Natalie was asking for Dora, that would be fine, but she isn’t. This flood is based on an assumption that Natalie is gaga over Dora. It is true, when the Dora song comes on the TV, she smiles and watches, but as soon as the show continues she starts playing with other things. It could be a Ferrari, and if she liked seeing the red flash across the screen with the tune of a turbo injected eight cylinder engine revving up as it goes by would she then get a whole bunch of Ferrari stuff? Dora is age appropriate and relatively available, so grandma is clinging onto it.

I want to take advantage of the opportunity to present diversity to Natalie before she gets hooked on things. Give her various things, toys, music, animals, mix it up. Then let’s see what she wants and plays with regularly. We are feeding into the corporate monster and brainwash branding of our child before she even has a chance. Let her decide what she wants and let us know herself. Then we will have the opportunity to say “no” when it gets to be too much.

I didn’t get everything I wanted as a child. I didn’t have a dozen Transformers and Star Wars action figures. I had enough, but I was never afforded the floodgate of goods as a child. And I understand why. I don’t want Natalie to get everything she ever wants handed down to her. I want her to want to earn it later down the line.

I am not ungrateful. And I understand that Jakki's parents love Natalie and want to do everything for her. I just think it is going overboard way too soon. And if I say anything, people get hurt and I am the bad guy.

So, lots of issues this week. Thankfully nothing about Natalie and her health this fall. She is doing great. She was a little sick, but she got through it fine, and she is a happy little bug, and overall I think Jakki and I are too.

~ Nathan

p.s. On the way in to work today, I was behind a car with a license plate frame that read, “Did mommy say no? Call 1-(800)-Grandma”. Too true.

p.p.s. It's Jakki's birthday this weekend, so Happy Birthday love! I know you try hard to be the best mother and wife, and I appreciate everything you do for us.

Cutest Dragon Ever!

October 29, 2010

The cutefest continues. I wonder if Natalie is in her prime, and she will be a homely monster when she is a teenager? I don’t think I can handle the potential attention she may get when she is older, it is tough enough having her stop traffic as it is today. She literally stops people in their tracks. We may be in trouble.

Yesterday was the RTD Fall Festival, an annual fun afternoon where all of the employee’s bring their kids into the office and we have a small Halloween party. There is candy and cupcakes (thank you Jakki) and popcorn, activities for the kids, and a karaoke show. Jakki brought Natalie to the festival, dressed in her Dragon outfit that I bought online. She is adorable. We let her crawl around freely before the masses showed up, and everyone formed a semi circle around her, watching her act out and play monster on the floor. I made a castle out of toilet paper rolls and let her destroy them at will. It was a fun event. We left when they warmed up the microphones for the singing, a perfect cue to disappear as it was going to be loud and obnoxious.

Natalie was not shy at all. She is really confident and outgoing when Jakki and I are both with her. She knows we are watching, and she knows when one of us goes out to the truck to put quarters in the meter. She watches the door for us, and makes sure that she can see one of us when the other is away. She is aware, and that is good.

Chico was a great trip last weekend, and this weekend is the RTD Charity Golf Tournament and Halloween, so the fun continues!

~ Nathan

The Cutest Knit Hat Ever

October 22, 2010

Oh no! I missed a week. Did anybody notice? Probably not. The last two weeks have been pretty busy for me at work, so I didn’t take many breaks to write things out. I guess that means that I really didn’t have anything to complain about, or worry about, so that is good.

Natalie is cruising along. Her teeth are not breaking through yet, but I did notice that her gums are lighter in color at the top, so hopefully they break through in a couple of weeks.

Last weekend was a whirlwind. We went to San Francisco to cheer on Jakki’s family on the Nike Women’s Marathon. Natalie’s grandma Carol, great aunt Sue, and cousin (aunt) Nikkole all participated, while Jakki and cousin (aunt) Cara and I tried to help and watch. I had a really up and down weekend with many high’s and many low's. It was truly a crazy weekend.

First, I packed a light sweater and a heavy fleece sweater, figuring that this would be enough, as it had not rained in 6 months and the weather forecast was cloudy but comfortable. Liars. It rained on us for most of Sunday, which would not have been too bad if I had my fleece. Jakki thought my fleece needed an espresso bath and, in an admittedly horrible accident, she spilled a wonderful mocha all over it on Saturday. Needless to say I froze my wet butt off on Sunday.

To add to the mix on Sunday, I tried to read a marathon map made by a bunch of marketing majors at Nike and their BS information packet helped me get lost. It is interesting, I can read a detailed topographical map and know exactly where I am on any given trail, but I can’t decipher a map made for the city folk. No cross streets, no details, no landmarks. How was I supposed to know there were two different routes with one end? I was so mad. I mean “find a hapless punk to pick a fight with me so I can punch the snot out of him” mad. Jakki and Cara and Natalie were able to cheer on Carol, but we missed Sue and Nikki. We also missed the finish. I ruined the day because I couldn’t read an oversimplified map. Enough with the map. I need to get over it, but it still stings (a week later).

Natalie was a trooper last weekend. She slept surprisingly well in her Pack and Play in the hotel room in San Francisco. She was not fussy. She walked all over San Francisco in her front carrier (Baby Bjorn?) as well as her stroller (I think we logged in a half marathon ourselves just walking around *lost*). She was never really fearful of the crowds of people, and when she was she tucked into our shoulders. As long as Jakki or I had her, she just looked around and wondered what the fuss was all about. It was awesome. I was so proud of her.

After walking for the morning on Saturday, Jakki and I needed a cab back to the hotel. As we walked along, we came across this lady making knit hats with cat and bear like smiley faces on them. Jakki put a brown bear one on Natalie and it was like we stopped pedestrian traffic in the area, and everyone collectively went “aww, how cute”. It was over. We shelled out $12 for the cutest knit hat ever. She wore it for most of the rest of the trip, stopping people as we passed. It was fun.

This weekend we are heading up to Chico to visit Jenna and her baby Corinne. Corinne just turned one last week, and Natalie turns one in three weeks, so they are about a month apart. We will probably make them cupcakes and watch them make messes of themselves. It should be a good weekend, but I really need a day to relax. Maybe I can get one next month?

~ Nathan

Explorer or Demolitions Expert?

October 08, 2010

This week was full of school and conferences for me, so I have not had too many opportunities to come home and focus. I just crash on the floor and play with Natalie for awhile before we send her to bed. On top of that, Jakki’s Aunt Sue visited the ranch this week and stayed with us for a couple of nights, causing a slight tremor in the “schedule”. Aunt Sue was relatively helpful and it was fun to see how other moms play with kids. We enjoyed her visit.

On Wednesday night something odd happened. I was sitting on the floor with Jakki beside me, and Natalie crawled between us and sat down. I looked at Natalie and Jakki and back to Natalie and realized that Natalie is huge. It’s like she gained 2lbs in the last two days, and her upper body strength is starting to show on her body. She is starting to pull herself up and climb, which is fun yet frustrating when you realize that you are a path to someplace else. Natalie is a little bulldozer, expecting everything to move as she drills forward. Fearless and stubborn. She is working towards hurting herself, but that’s the only way she will ever learn, right?

I am happy that she is becoming more curious about the things around her. She is starting to pay attention to things that we use every day: the remote, the laptop, books, glasses, shoes, etc. She wants to see what’s on the other side of the fence. She wants to know what else is going on that she can’t see. Natalie wants to explore and learn.

Natalie is going to be either an explorer or a demolitions expert, I can’t decide. Either way, she will have fun doing it.

~ Nathan

The morning goodbye

October 01, 2010

We had a great time at the Draft Horse Show last weekend in Grass Valley, and we took quite a few pictures which will be in the slideshow shortly. No major issues, except Natalie’s desire to sing along with America the Beautiful during the evening show. The stroller worked ok, and then we switched to Jakki’s Baby Bjorn thingy for the evening show. We timed it well, being home around midnight Saturday night. Jakki and I are talking about going on Friday next year, just to change it up a bit. Overall it was a pretty good Saturday though. Sunday was relaxing, from what I remember, and this week has been a blur.

Natalie’s sleep/nap schedule has been screwed up this week, a likely result from the very long trip on Saturday. She did not sleep much on Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday nights. She has been exceptionally needy and upset for unknown reasons throughout the week, likely related to exhaustion. She just started sleeping through the night again on Wednesday. She also struggles to take a decent nap on a regular basis. Why is it that when you are younger, you never want to sleep, even if you are tired; but when you get older, all you ever want is an afternoon nap to keep pace? Natalie fights sleeping so much that we have been putting her down later and later. Last night we finally put her down at 11:00pm, because she just isn’t tired.

This leads to my current dilemma. When I leave in the morning everyone is asleep. I wake Jakki briefly to say goodbye, and then quietly visit Natalie to do the same while she sleeps. 80% of the time she is sleeping so soundly that it isn’t a problem. But since she and Jakki are exhausted, I have been very cautious. The last thing I want to do is accidentally wake Natalie and start Jakki’s day off prematurely with a crying baby (which happened last week, and I felt really terrible about it). And today was one of those moments of dread. I snuck into her room and just as I was about to whisper goodbye, she started waking up. I never moved so softly and quickly in my life. I tiptoed backwards and shut her door just as she turned to look my direction. She cried very briefly, and then went back to sleep.

For me, this is a no win situation; I am either the ghostly figure leaving her room; the dad that wakes up the baby and leaves the house; or the dad that doesn’t even see his baby before he goes to work. I hate leaving without seeing her, so that third option really isn’t an option for me, but it might be necessary when I know that Jakki and Natalie need their rest. The whole thing is a gamble I guess. I wonder what other dads have done. Do they even worry about these things? I am so attached to her that I am a wreck in the mornings if I can’t see her and verify that she is ok before I leave the house. But I am full of guilt if she wakes up, and I have to wake up Jakki.

Let sleeping dogs lie. . . That would be easier if they slept through everything that you wanted to do. So, for anyone listening, what do you do?

~ Nathan

Backpack vs. Stroller - #1

September 24, 2010

What a good week. Natalie is growing and playing. She insists on destroying anything standing taller than her, which is really fun. I am getting quick enough at stacking blocks (all in different shapes) that I can keep her busy for an hour, crawling on the carpet, playing Babyzilla. Her poor knees, they get so red from rug burn. But she is having fun crawling up a storm and I think it is great for her muscle development.

I am starting to really play with my video camera, and if you have a chance you can check her out on You Tube at www.youtube.com/Atherstone36 . People have asked me what the significance of the “36” is; I don’t really know how it started, but when I was in grade school that was my baseball jersey number. I insisted on having the same number on all of my jerseys since the second grade and through college for each sport (baseball, softball, and hockey), so I guess I can qualify it as my favorite number. When setting up a channel on You Tube I encountered many naming conflicts for names that made sense, so I just gave in and put my jersey number at the end of our last name. Some people seem to understand, others don’t. Frankly I don’t care, it is just an address; you don’t buy a house just because of the name of the street, this is no different.

We are heading out to the National Draft Horse Show in Grass Valley tomorrow. It is an annual family event with big horses, friendly people, and fair food, wrapped up in the mountain settings of the sierras. I really enjoy going, even though the show is getting repetitive. To prepare Natalie for the show, Jakki tried to put Natalie in my baby hiking backpack (that I insisted on getting before she was even born). We thought this would be a good test run since it is only a day event in a park/fairground setting. I guess Natalie is still too small, as she can’t see far over the pack itself, which would then provide her a great view of the back of my head. We’ll test it more tonight but I think I will have to wait a while before I can officially ditch the bulky stroller for the sporty backpack.

All for this week. Best wishes everyone!

~ Nathan

My Little Godzilla

September 17, 2010

We are crawling! And she is quick. This week’s highlight has been stacking blocks and watching her crawl over to them and knocking them down. She is not a fan of stacked objects. She is my little Godzilla, sure to topple anything within her reach. It is a fun game, and we are capitalizing on it as much as possible. I figure that someday she will start doing the opposite and begin stacking them. But for now I think she just wants to reverse whatever we are doing for her, just to be a stinker.

Because of the crawling, Jakki rearranged the living room to make a corral with the couch and walls. It really closes the room, but until we can teach Natalie what she can and can’t touch, it is a simple and effective solution. We will probably change it back in a few years, but for now we make adjustments for her, and it keeps everyone safe and happy. Jakki can leave her in the living room and feel confident that she is safe during the breaks that are mandatory for a stay at home mom. This weekend I will probably move the TV around so that it is realigned with the couch. We all have our priorities.

The nighttime routine is getting shorter, and I am down to reading two books and putting her down before she is out. She fusses a little, but it never lasts long, and she sleeps through the night. Or at least I think she does, because she doesn’t wake me up.

There is not much else to share this week. No medical appointments. No fits. No aches and pains. No excessive mucous. No teeth yet, which is curious, but not concerning. Natalie is generally happy, likes to eat, and is catching up on growing. I think the Dr.’s may be surprised at her next checkup.

Have a great weekend!

~ Nathan

Deceleration Process

September 10, 2010

Well, I can say that Natalie has been feeling better. Although the fussiness and random bits of pain come and go, she has at least slept through the night for most of this week. She has been easier to get down, unfortunately I am learning that you can overdo the deceleration process before putting her down into the crib.

The current procedure is as follows: around 9:30pm Natalie starts rubbing her eyes and yawning (very cute by the way); Jakki takes her into her nursery and does the bedtime diaper and pajama change while I prep the rocker for reading time; I sit and read through four or five of her books (they are quick reads, so I keep rolling through them); I shut out the lights and rock her, or walk her to sleep, which can take up to 30 minutes. This week she has started rolling around and playing in my lap after about the third book. I am either a boring reader, unable to keep her attention, or so exciting that she wakes up and becomes active. She has taken to turning pages for me, with a little page control from daddy, and sometimes we wrestle with the book so that she doesn’t turn the page before I read the four lines of rhyme. I think she likes the action of turning pages more than listening to me. Either way, she is a bit more awake and active when I am done reading than when Jakki first picks her up to change her. It’s a cruel process, because sometimes I just want to put her down, say goodnight, and shut the door. She fussed enough last night in my arms that I did just that, I read to her, rocked a little and quickly put her down and said goodnight. She was just too awake, or fussy, to be comfortable in any position in my lap or arms. So I just put her down and turned on her glowing seahorse. She looked at me like I was a bastard for putting her down into this cage, so I kissed her on the forehead, told her that she would be ok, said goodnight, and walked out the door. This was a risky gamble, considering the separation anxiety mentioned last week. It actually worked out well, she only cried out once or twice and then she conked out.

So maybe I need to change it up, read one less book, and put her down before she falls asleep? For some reason I feel a thread of guilt though. I don’t get to see her enough during the day, and I really don’t want her to be upset that I am walking out the door. When she cries out, all of the satisfaction in our time together vanishes and I feel like I didn’t do enough for her. My comfort in the process is dependent on her comfort, and the only way I seem to feel satisfied is when she is asleep in my arms, or quickly asleep after I put her down. That little dirty look doesn’t help either. It’s weird. I have a guilty conscience, I guess. But mommy and daddy need their sleep too. So I will stick with the gamble, and try to put her down sooner.

So that's how we put her to bed, hopefully I will keep learning and adapting so hat we can all sleep better. I am happy, and we are, for now, healthy.

~ Nathan

Already screwing with my mind

September 03, 2010

Another Friday, and another morning lost for words. I am just tired. Wednesday night Natalie was up in the early hours of the morning crying and upset. We think she is really starting the teething stage, at least I hope that this is the problem. It is so hard now, worrying about every little pattern, wondering what the problem is now. Sometimes she cannot be comforted. Sometimes she just wants to be held. I think I created a monster because when I put her down to sleep I will hold her in my arms and walk her around until she starts to breathe heavily, but that wreaks havoc on my back (she’s starting to get heavy, 16 pounds), and when I cannot do it we just put her down in her crib, and boy she doesn’t like that. She is spoiled, this I understand, but it leads to an odd conundrum.

The debate in question: is it appropriate to teach your baby to self soothe when she is in pain? I don’t think so, but the problem is that we don’t know when she is really in pain, or when she just wants our attention. Little stinker, she is already screwing with my mind. I don’t know if it will be any easier when she can communicate, but I really wish I knew what is hurting her. I can’t wait for the day when she can tell me what is wrong so I can try to fix it.

Needless to say, we didn’t sleep well Wednesday, and last night was spent preparing the guest room for Nadine, Jakki’s old friend now living in Florida. It was a tedious task that led into the late hours. When I crashed at midnight, I literally crashed. If Natalie had issues last night, I didn’t hear them. Hopefully Jakki did, she came into bed well after me.

So, I am pretty tired now and struggling to think straight. My last class for my Masters Degree is adding to the mix, with an inappropriate amount of coursework and stress for an elective class. I am pushing to get that wrapped up as well.

We took Natalie out grocery shopping after work yesterday. It is amazing how much attention she draws in from complete strangers. Natalie didn’t notice though, she was focused on trying to get to the pretzels through the bag. She was eating the bag, wondering what that force field was that was keeping the pretzels from getting in her mouth.

All for now.

~ Nathan

Cautious Optimism

August 30, 2010

Cautious optimism; that is the only way I can describe the feelings that are in my heart. The roller coaster took another turn last week as Jakki called me from the pediatric behavioral specialist in Vacaville. He is the ASD specialist for Kaiser Permanente in northern California, so he has a lot of experience in this field. It is his opinion that if Natalie was six months old she would be considered perfectly healthy and displays excellent behavior and actions. Considering that she is instead nine months old, we all worry, and Doctors provide analysis and diagnosis based on the observations of thousands of children and their growth patterns. Natalie is not where she “should” be. It is obvious that when you look at her and consider her age that she is behind. But all of the symptoms are consistent with that pattern; she is in six month clothes, she displays six month behavior in recognition and repetition. There is a strong chance that she is just three months behind schedule and that there are no other health problems. This could have been the result of her previous ailments and concerns addressed above, starting while in the womb.

However, the Doctor does want to check up on her in March of next year, when she is sixteen months old, and hold one more observation, just to settle the issue. Then we will see if she has developed all of the “one year” traits, like walking, learning, and recognition. But for now, when doing research for Natalie, take her age, subtract three months, and then compare. If this pattern holds true for the rest of her life, then we won’t see any difference in comparisons this time next year. But for now: no autism diagnosis.

Relief. Mostly.

I know that this is like getting a blessing from a high priest, a promotion from the company partner, or a medal from the president. The specialist is just that, he specializes in this field, he has seen hundreds of autistic children at all stages of development, and his observations are the final word. But I have been cautiously pessimistic about every diagnosis to date throughout the last year, never believing in what the doctors say and never taking their word for granted. Even now, with a positive diagnosis, I don’t trust the result until I see that she is doing better, with my own eyes.

I took Natalie to my parents this past weekend, and she did something that was new, and made me feel like a daddy. Natalie is starting to shy away from people and hide in my shoulder. That is a significant step in recognition behavior, and this is normally observed by parents at six months, so there is some truth to this new hypothesis. Independent from the medical perspective, it felt good that she felt protected in my arms. She wanted to be with me. She recognized her daddy as a safety net. Until now, I never felt that connection with her.

Considering the amount of frustration and stress that Jakki has had over the last few months, I knew that she needed a break. So this last weekend Jakki had a small holiday, and spent her first night away from our daughter. I sent her away with our close friend Ashley, and they had a great time on the beach in Monterey. It was good to see her come home recharged, however she says she needed a softer bed and a shoulder massage to top it all off. We can always use a shoulder massage. If I remember, I will work on that tonight. I just hope that her stress relief holds out for the next six months until we see the specialist again.

Natalie and I held our own over the weekend with Saturday in Modesto and Sunday at home, relaxing. I could tell Natalie was starting to miss her mommy and she was excited when Jakki got home. Both are healthy patterns.

So, I guess I will change my blog heading. I am still struggling with all of this. For now, we are considering ourselves happy and healthy, and although the storm clouds are pushed off into the distance, they are still within sight of the shoreline. I will still feel an underlying sense of concern until this is resolved.

Natalie’s roller coaster is still moving along, and I am sure there will be plenty to write about.

~ Nathan

Head Cold Week

August 20, 2010

Head cold week. Jakki and I have been sick for the last few days with a moderate summer head-cold. Unfortunately, Natalie has the cold too, as she is congested and not breathing easily. This cold is making us all lethargic and unmotivated. I am starting to feel better, but I am prolonging my recovery by going to work instead of staying home and resting. This is not by choice as I am out of sick leave. With Jakki’s dad going through major surgery earlier this year, I depleted my sick time off and need to build it back up for this winter, where I know I will get sick beyond this cold.

Still no crawling. Natalie and Jakki have been working hard on the Physical Therapy this week. So much that Jakki recognizes which exercises Natalie doesn’t like, and which ones she does like. I think this is a good step because Natalie is very particular. She doesn’t have any problem letting us know that she doesn’t like what is happening. I agree with Natalie on some of the exercises, as I see no benefit to rubbing Natalie’s head on the floor to the point where she is crying out in pain and discomfort. I suggested that we just skip this one, but Jakki said that this was Dr.’s orders. I want to meet with the therapist and rub her head on the floor until she cries and ask her which muscles are being worked on.

Communication is a funny thing. Sometimes, I worry about Natalie’s communication development. She isn’t forming words, or even attempting to. She grunts and whines, holding long notes of varying volume and tone when she wants or needs something. She used to babble, but I have noticed that she has not babbled (baba, dada, lala) in the last few days. I hope that this is not a regression in her speech development.

I played with Natalie in her chair last night, building colorful rubber blocks up on her table, and I noticed that she cannot grab and hold the blocks yet. I don’t know when this “should” happen, but it bothers me that she isn’t at that point yet. She can grab and hold a soft book or small board book, but not her blocks yet. She does not yet coordinate her two hands together. She isn’t clapping yet. Maybe we are pushing our expectations. Maybe she should still be a baby, and we shouldn’t worry about her grabbing and holding larger things. But I want her to show signs of development, so I worry about these things.

I can tell that Jakki is worrying about it too. She has had a few days of depression and volatility. Not with Natalie, per se, but about Natalie. She is just frustrated, sad, and angry. Jakki isn’t the type to take to comforting or sympathy, so I am left hanging with what to do to help her. I just want her to feel better, accept the situation, and hold onto the positive moments in our lives. Easier said than done though; especially when we are all sick, and we have no idea what Natalie’s life is going to be like from day to day.

I need a positive ending, huh? Well, I am really looking forward to spending some time with Natalie outside. I think that will be the goal for Sunday, assuming that we are all feeling a little better. We need some fresh air in our lives. Jakki has spent too much time in that house, and I think it would be best for all of us to get outside and play for awhile. So I am making a personal goal to get us all out of the house on Sunday for playtime. No errands. No chores. Playtime. I am looking forward to it.

~ Nathan

9 Months Old!

August 13, 2010

Natalie is 9 months old today, and it is Friday the 13th, which will always be her special day.

I planned to update this blog weekly, on a recurring schedule, in order to force myself to write out my thoughts, feelings, concerns, and ideas about the situations that we are facing with our daughter. Unfortunately, I am a little numb today. I don’t feel anything new, or worth detailing. I have few concerns, and absolutely no ideas. So I will just provide a brief update this week.

Natalie went to her first Physical Therapy session yesterday with Jakki. They went to the Kaiser Permanente facility in Sacramento, and the session went ok, I think. Jakki is not too thrilled with the therapist, everyone seems to have an opinion on her condition and unfortunately that gets in the way of progress and frankly is starting to really get on Jakki’s nerves. The therapist is no exception. The therapist seems to think that Natalie’s physical condition isn’t about a growth condition as much as it is about her mental state of mind. She is smart. She has her parents trained. Why work on crawling and reaching when mommy will give me what I need sometime soon anyway? She is patient, and she doesn’t need much to occupy her time. She doesn’t need to be independent yet and she knows it. At least, that’s what the therapist thinks. I can see it either way, I guess.

The therapist provided Jakki with some training and exercises for Natalie. It seems that she has an underdeveloped core, and requires some muscle exercises to help with her balance and movement. Two weeks of home exercises and then they meet again.

On the positive side, Natalie has started to take the initiative to do complete push-ups. Before now, she was a fish out of water, flopping around on her belly and back, with arms and legs flailing. She was rolling on the floor to get around, and she can spin herself so that she can roll in any direction. Now she is starting to actually lift her stomach off the ground, and she has found her knees help with that. I have a feeling that she will transition from rolling to crawling in a couple of weeks, but time will tell.

~ Nathan

Natalie's Roller Coaster Life

August 6, 2010

I don’t know where to begin. . .

First, I am not Natalie.  I am Natalie’s father, Nathaniel, and I started this blog to track and share the progress of my daughter, our relationship, the workings of our family and, hopefully, document my daughter’s struggles and trials so that I can share them with her when she is older.  Hopefully, one day, she will be able to read and comprehend the stories that I hope to share and also understand what it is going to take for me to write this.  You see, this week Natalie has been pre-diagnosed with Autism.

Now, don’t get the impression that I am not married and that there isn’t a mother in the picture.  My beautiful wife Jakki is an important piece of this blog, but this will be written by me, so, the expressed opinions within this blog are the sole property and consequence of my personal thoughts and actions (intelligent or stupid as they may be).  I love my wife more than she can imagine.  I appreciate everything that she does for this family, and I am happy to be able to provide enough that she can stay home with Natalie every day.  Although, as you will likely find out within this blog, she is slightly crazy, and has many interesting quirks (only some of which I will publically share).  

This isn’t the first trial for our new family.  That’s why I spent ten minutes trying to figure out what I should put in place for a title.  I also had no idea what I actually wanted to write about, but I know that I need some kind of release or therapy.  This isn’t about me, well not entirely, this is about Natalie and her family.  Hopefully I will be able to maintain that effort.

So, let’s start from the beginning.  Natalie Rose was born on Friday the 13^th of November, 2009.  Even before that date she was trouble.  Jakki had a rough pregnancy, and I will maintain that she only survived the pregnancy on Burrito Supremes and Slurpees.  There were only a few foods that Jakki could keep down; Jakki had “morning-noon-and-night” sickness for roughly eight months of the year.  And when Natalie was ready to break out, she wasn’t wasting any time with the turning and diving out head first.  She was literally kicking her way out of the womb.  Coming out foot first is not preferred, so a cesarean was in immediate order.  She was little, only 6lb 8oz.  I don’t have the complete stats memorized (I think that’s a mother thing) but I know that she was small from the beginning.

Small but beautiful.  She had a head of platinum blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes.  I will always remember that first moment, holding my baby girl in the waiting area while they stitched up Jakki.  She was and is perfect.

We were only in the hospital for a day when the doctors started messing with us.  The first pediatrician noticed “physical features that suggest the traits of Down’s Syndrome”.  Really?  Big head, small ears, large forehead; if that’s the picture of Down’s, then Jakki and I both may have it as well.  As we stayed in the hospital the other pediatricians ostracized her actions and apologized to our family, but the damage was done.  Emotional distress and an underlying worry started at that moment, and nothing would ever be the same.

The high of bringing home a happy and healthy baby was diminished and it was unfair.  It was two months of distress as we conducted genetic testing with a specialist in Sacramento to verify that she was not, in fact, diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome.  We had a happy holiday knowing that this was the news.

Now the next few months are a blur.  I was taking two classes on top of work, diligently completing my masters degree and required thesis, trying to finish up everything before Natalie grew up and needed daddy to read her stories and play games.  I thankfully completed my thesis, and maintained my sanity through the spring of 2010.  However, our family trials would continue. 

Natalie was always small.  She is now nearly nine months old and still fitting in three to six month sized clothes.  During our “routine” pediatric checkups she barely made the charts for size and weight.  Our pediatrician did not measure her correctly during her six month visit and, as a result, Jakki took her back to the geneticist in Sacramento.  After carefully re-measuring her, she was under the 5^th percentile, making her a case for possible dwarfism.

This was initially tough for me.  I am pretty tall, and so is Jakki, so I have always seen the world a little differently.  I am six foot three, so I have always been a little awkward; I hit my head on things, have a hard time getting under cars, or accessing low cupboards, and I have a high center of gravity, so I get frustrated with being tall.  However, I believe that it is much tougher being shorter.  At least I can get shorter by crawling and bending, short statured people have to rely on instruments (like steps and ladders) to be taller.  It took me a few days to dissect my feelings, and do some research and I have accepted that Natalie will be small.  In fact, I figured that we would be able to have just as much fun with the fact that we would be so opposite.  I came to terms, and hopefully Natalie would be healthy, just small.

So, we had a follow up meeting with the geneticist this week to determine if the growth concerns were hormonal, skeletal, or just a proportionate anomaly.  This will help us determine her condition and lead us to prepare for what would be to come.  The doctor gave us some good news; it isn’t a hormonal deficiency, so she isn’t missing anything in her physical development.  However the doctor gave us some not so good news, she is behind on her mental development curve, it’s not just her size. 

Jakki and I have noticed that her cousins are progressing beyond Natalie at the same stage in life.  Natalie hasn’t figured out how to crawl, she swims on the carpet kicking her legs and wondering why she isn’t going anywhere.  She has some quirky touch and feel activity, and she doesn’t pay attention to you when you are talking to her.  When we shared this information with the geneticist she showed increasing concern.  The doctor watched Natalie and recognized that she didn’t acknowledge me when I entered the room.  Natalie fussed and didn’t want to be held too tightly.  Natalie doesn’t want to interact with people for any length of time.  These are all preliminary signs of Autism.     

Now Jakki will continue to point out that I missed out on most of the conversation during that visit.  I had to step out of the room to prevent a panic attack.  Natalie’s condition, the new testing, the hot and crowded room, the hospital, and the lack of food and water all attributed to my uneasiness.  I hate the fact that I have anxiety, but I have little control over when the panic attacks happen.  So, sadly I missed out on the important information.   

The geneticist made one thing clear though, it is rare to see these signs so early.  Most programs don’t review children for Autism before 18 months.  However, early intervention is a key component to increased functionality.  All I know is that we have a lot of work to do in the near future.

So where do we go from here?  Now that I have stated the condition, and provided some background, I hope to use this site as a personal tool for sharing the progress.  I want to share some “ups” as well, so I would like to leave off with a few of the things that I love about my little girl.

Natalie loves to swim, she loves to smile, and she has the most wonderful giggle in the world.  She is a ham, so I call her “Hamlet”.  She knows the camera, what it is about and when it is pointed at her.  She has a full head of hair, and beautiful steel blue eyes.  She loves colors and words printed white on black.  She loves watching her cats play in the living room, and for the most part, she would rather sit on your lap than sit on the floor.  She rules her domain, and lets us know when she is not happy.  Fortunately that is not often the case.

Thank you for following along.  More to follow in the future . . . 

~ Nathaniel