Cautious Optimism

August 30, 2010

Cautious optimism; that is the only way I can describe the feelings that are in my heart. The roller coaster took another turn last week as Jakki called me from the pediatric behavioral specialist in Vacaville. He is the ASD specialist for Kaiser Permanente in northern California, so he has a lot of experience in this field. It is his opinion that if Natalie was six months old she would be considered perfectly healthy and displays excellent behavior and actions. Considering that she is instead nine months old, we all worry, and Doctors provide analysis and diagnosis based on the observations of thousands of children and their growth patterns. Natalie is not where she “should” be. It is obvious that when you look at her and consider her age that she is behind. But all of the symptoms are consistent with that pattern; she is in six month clothes, she displays six month behavior in recognition and repetition. There is a strong chance that she is just three months behind schedule and that there are no other health problems. This could have been the result of her previous ailments and concerns addressed above, starting while in the womb.

However, the Doctor does want to check up on her in March of next year, when she is sixteen months old, and hold one more observation, just to settle the issue. Then we will see if she has developed all of the “one year” traits, like walking, learning, and recognition. But for now, when doing research for Natalie, take her age, subtract three months, and then compare. If this pattern holds true for the rest of her life, then we won’t see any difference in comparisons this time next year. But for now: no autism diagnosis.

Relief. Mostly.

I know that this is like getting a blessing from a high priest, a promotion from the company partner, or a medal from the president. The specialist is just that, he specializes in this field, he has seen hundreds of autistic children at all stages of development, and his observations are the final word. But I have been cautiously pessimistic about every diagnosis to date throughout the last year, never believing in what the doctors say and never taking their word for granted. Even now, with a positive diagnosis, I don’t trust the result until I see that she is doing better, with my own eyes.

I took Natalie to my parents this past weekend, and she did something that was new, and made me feel like a daddy. Natalie is starting to shy away from people and hide in my shoulder. That is a significant step in recognition behavior, and this is normally observed by parents at six months, so there is some truth to this new hypothesis. Independent from the medical perspective, it felt good that she felt protected in my arms. She wanted to be with me. She recognized her daddy as a safety net. Until now, I never felt that connection with her.

Considering the amount of frustration and stress that Jakki has had over the last few months, I knew that she needed a break. So this last weekend Jakki had a small holiday, and spent her first night away from our daughter. I sent her away with our close friend Ashley, and they had a great time on the beach in Monterey. It was good to see her come home recharged, however she says she needed a softer bed and a shoulder massage to top it all off. We can always use a shoulder massage. If I remember, I will work on that tonight. I just hope that her stress relief holds out for the next six months until we see the specialist again.

Natalie and I held our own over the weekend with Saturday in Modesto and Sunday at home, relaxing. I could tell Natalie was starting to miss her mommy and she was excited when Jakki got home. Both are healthy patterns.

So, I guess I will change my blog heading. I am still struggling with all of this. For now, we are considering ourselves happy and healthy, and although the storm clouds are pushed off into the distance, they are still within sight of the shoreline. I will still feel an underlying sense of concern until this is resolved.

Natalie’s roller coaster is still moving along, and I am sure there will be plenty to write about.

~ Nathan